Now I don’t normally share too many personal details of my life but here I go.
Everyone has those days where we just need a break from the world and head over to the fridge and grab that six pack of beer or that bottle of wine and just escape to another world. Right?
Well, I would be one of those people. I never saw myself as one of those people that would just pick up a beer and then have it turn into three or four. Lately problems have just been piling up one after the other and alcohol just seems like the only escape I truly have. I’m not usually one to share these things but I know I’m not the only one struggling to keep it together.
I personally am struggling to keep my life in order at the moment. With family drama, and work drama, and school on top of it all, it just seems like there is no end to anything at this point. Being so angry all the time is just so exhausting. Talking about it somewhat helped but not really. It’s still so much to handle.
When family lives a little over 5,000 miles away, the questions that one may hear almost everyday is, “when are you coming back?” “Where do you like living better?”
Normally I smile and nod and say that I can’t really decide, but deep down, I know the answer in my heart. Staying quiet about what you actually feel, has been imprinted into my head since I was a child.
I personally don’t want to get into arguments with my family, because when they do occur, I’m usually the one that is wrong and is to blame even though I had nothing to do with the situation.
When things like that happen I saw it as just another reason to go towards the fridge and just go grab that beer.
Over the summer I went on a trip without my family for once and went with my partner in crime, as I like to call her, and had an amazing time out by the ocean and had the opportunity to just turn ourselves off from the world for a few days.
Which was amazing. I wish I could spend more time like that. For myself. You know? Just sitting outside in the fresh air, watching the sun set, and not have a care in the world. But that’s not reality.
Reality is going back to work in the next couple of days and actually make a living for myself. I started to see a pattern with me after I came back from this trip.
I didn’t want to do much anymore, I became more anti-social, and I became a homebody and just wanted to spend time by myself with a beer. Or two or three for that matter.
According to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, about 25 percent of college students report academic consequences because of their drinking, including missing class, falling behind, doing poorly on exams or papers, and receiving lower grades overall.
As sad as it is to say, I totally understand where these 25 percent of students are coming from. Having self-control and not reaching for that six-pack takes a lot.
We all say, “Oh one drink isn’t that much” four or five beers later, no work has been done.
Out of my group of friends, I was always the person that was never expected to drink or do anything wrong really. Turns out those people were wrong.
I used to have to restrain myself during the day when I was home to not just reach in and grab that one beer just to get me through the day.
How much is too much is what I would always ask myself.
School became just as stressful and being at home as well as at work. I used to actually enjoy most of my classes. Last semester I went to one of the darkest places I have ever really been in, in my life and I hated every single moment of it.
I wasn’t enjoying anything. Not even my favorite TV shows. I got angry with the wrong people and said things I should not have said. I acted like a shitty person and I hated myself for it. I didn’t like the person I was becoming.
I had these moments of questioning my purpose in life and it was a really scary place to be in. I wasn’t just scaring myself; I was scaring my friends and family. I became this person that no one wanted to ever really be around. I kept apologizing for everything and taking the blame.
Taking the blame for everything is never a good thing. It starts to take a toll on you and you start to feel like you are the cause of everything that goes wrong.
I never really tell anyone how I really feel because of the single fact that I always got judged and was told not to feel that way because it’s not who I am and I’m not supposed to feel that way.
So expressing my feelings was never a part of who I was. I would just keep it all inside until I just couldn’t take it anymore.
It was a single moment of someone telling me that I need to just keep on pushing through and always keep fighting. I know it may sound cheesy but Jared Padalecki actually helped me get through my tough time in life. Even though Jared himself was going through a tough time in his life at the same time I was, he managed to help others out and support them as we supported him. Not to say that my friends weren’t there for me, but I just needed someone new to tell me I was actually worth something and not just saying it because they are my friends.
Always Keep Fighting was the name of the campaign that has helped so many within the last year. This campaign has been sponsored and supported by To Write Love on Her Arms, a suicide prevention group as well as addiction and depression, as well as now The SPNFamily Crisis Support Network.
This campaign has helped so many people since being started up. Myself included.
If you know anyone with an addiction problem, or depression, or suicidal thoughts or tendencies, listen to what they have to say and offer to help them. Every single moment matters.
Always Keep Fighting.